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Random quote: "A person conceives of himself as separate largley because he perceives OF himself as bounded by a body. ONLY if he perceives himself as a MIND can this be overcome." Jesus CIM


A process of releasing the past
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Posted 2003-01-26 3:39 AM (#575 - in reply to #572)
Subject: RE: Inspiration (A long outpouring sorry)


(this has turned into a heart outpouring, I wont change it though, or not post it, cos obviously I have something that needs to come out still)

Hi Jennie,

my story.....hmm..okay I have no reason to hide it, so go get a cuppa or six, the verbose one is off again LOL. First let me say, that part of my releasing the past is the ongoing release of guilt, Some of these issues that follow have taken months to see, and one which perhaps formed the crux, of my mind development only came to light during my trip, with the help of a dear dear friend in Edmonton. so here goes.The final incident was the sudden ending of my marriage, but that was only the straw. the real reason was everything below.

I was the youngest of three, 2 girls and myself, my father was a Glasgow slum boy made good, joining the Royal Air Force UK, as an officer who eventually rose to the top three ranked officers in the service. I need to tell this to set the tone of the way we were brought up, very strict discipline, no argument, military in style and content I guess.

My mother died suddenly when I was aged ten and we were in Malta, I have virtually no memory of any events prior to this, a couple of notable exceptions, but no knowleadge of my life as such. I have a photo of my mother and aunt with me, I am not able to tell which one is my mother. I have always known the power of the mind through this fact.

All I remember is seeing her go away in an ambulance, and she never came back. My father obviously thought children and death did not go together and as she was shipped back to the UK for burial, I was not made aware of her passing, until I think about three weeks after. I did not know what it meant!! My eldest sister had by this stage already been sent to a boarding school so even at this young age, our family was rent apart. I still dont know where she is buried.

An incident occured about this time as well, and is the one that has only just come to light, and when it did, it knocked me flat again, thank God I had this friend to cry on her shoulder, cos for two days that is all I did. I was caught by a Maltese watchman in a fort by our flats, where I shouldnt have been playing.....I now know he held a knife to me, and sexually molested me.

My eldest sister, told me a few years ago, I went off the rails for a year...they thought it was mums death....I think now it was a combination.

Two and half years later, my father having remarried an old family friend, (actually his dental nurse from the war years), I was also shipped off to a boarding school. It was a British military school, with two facets, one education, and the other pure military.....and with that side went the British stiff upper lip, men don't complain, and especially soldiers don't and they obey orders. Gheeesh I was barely 13. My other sister had also been sent off, so there we were three siblings incarcerated in various institutions with our parents in a foreign country.

I was a very lonely little boy, and very vulnerable, and unfortunatly it being a boys only school, Homosexuality was rife. I was picked out within the first week, and taken to a room where three senior boys made me kneel and fellate them. There was also wide spread ritualised violance committed against all the junior boys by the seniors every Sunday. This we endured without complaint or the consequences were worse. One boy mysteriously fell down the stairs and recieved a broken leg! His parents were never informed, and as letter censorship was part of the system they didnt get told by him either. This was in the late 60's, today this place would be shut down for sure.

About three months after going there, I went to the chaplain, to ask why my parents hated me, and didnt want me, and also why I was being molested.......he was also my house master. Bad move, Very bad........he turned it all round and terrorised me, with what would my parents think of this dirty little boy etc, and then, (as I now know, probably predictably as so many of our clergy have done in their postions of power) he too molested me. I think at this point I began to shut down completly. the molestation by both other boys and two masters, one of them a bloody priest continued for 3 yrs.

I ran away a total of five times in the next three years, once getting as far as 300 miles north of the school, before getting picked up by police and returned to the school. I only learned through a book called "Out of the shadows" in Oct that this is typical behaviour for this type of abuse. My parents just labeled me a rebel, and told me to settle down, and get on with my work.

Well I didnt and was always in trouble, I remember once getting the record of "cuts" (literally, by a whip thin cane, delivered at high speed to bare buttocks and legs, by a fully grown man) I was the school hero for a while, cos I refused to cry. (pheww, sorry if I sound a little bitter, I think this is doing me good, its bringing up some more feelings, I know that is good, the feelings aint though)

As soon as I turned 16, I appeared on Parade, openly smoking a cigarrette, even by then I had formed what was to become a pattern, of knowing the law, and fighting everyone and everything. The law of the country said I could smoke at 16 and so I did. two days later the large iron gates closed behind me. I had been expelled, and was out on the street, with 25 pounds in my pocket and a ticket to Worcester where my fathers brother lived. My father was still in Germany and I had to wait three weeks for a flight. Sensibly (I think) I saw the need for some self preservation or I felt I might not live too long. So I nipped up to Birmingham and got myself into the RAF as an airman. That way he wouldnt know whether to belt me, or to welcome me. The RAF was his idol, his world..he worshipped it. I was right, he said very little when I got home. Ha Home bullshit! That was in May 1969. and in Jan 1970 I went back to the UK, to start at the RAF training base. At least here I was not molested, but I was subjected to gang violance. (think I must have been wearing a very clear notice) I was too afraid of my dad to stuff this up, and so put up with it for a year, finally getting posted to my first station in St Mawgan Cornwall.

There the first incident of trouble got me again, although it was well worth it. (by my thought process at the time) The leader of the little gang had been posted with me, and we were put into the same room. But he didnt have his cronies with him. The second morning after we arrived a situation arose, and I dealt with him. In fact I went berko and saw red......I picked him up in a rage and threw him through a second floor window, LOL Broke a leg, an arm, and mutliple ribs.

I was arrested and thrown in Military jail. but I endured it with a sense of satisfaction. No one bothered me after that day.

The pattern of bucking every rule continued, and on average I was charged with some offence every three months, I lived at the gaurdroom, just about. Then finally I saw red again, this time at an officer who didnt see eye to eye with me. I smacked him up pretty good too, before I was hauled off by two Sergeants, strangely I didnt remember the blows they gave me with truncheons at the time, but I felt them a day later. I was actually lucky here, cos I had good witnesses to intense provocation and so the officer got moved pronto, and I only got a short jail sentance again. Once I got out, I hit the bottle hard and became nearly an alcoholic, until I met the woman who was to become my first wife. She straightened me out from the drink, but as soon as I started to become good, the RAF in their perverse way, got rid of me. So there I was on the streets again at close to 20.

I swanned around a number of jobs before finally talking my way into the Police!! hahah set a theif to catch a thief. But the odd thing was, I could never arrest anyone, always believed they were innocent, or had extenuating circumstances. so that didnt last long. and yes the pattern of bucking authority continued. Eventually I found my way to the job that suited me, and that was as an ambulance officer. (but right up to last year, I continued bucking the system. I was a great bush lawyer!!)

I got married, and had 17 yrs of bad anger.. it was not a good marriage, but thank God, I never raised a finger against my wife, although she did try to stab me a couple of times. we were and she still is, very angry people. talk about special hate!

Then finally as I told her it was time to sort ourselves out or leave, I met a girl 15 yrs younger than me, and sex mad. Now for a 40 yr old horny male, that was something else!! My wife and I parted, and so did this girl from her husband. (2nd major relationship in her life, she dumped her fiancee, after jumpin into bed with her first husband, that should have rung warning bells, but it didnt)

So here I was, with a new girl, we seemed to connect well, and had 8 yrs of ecstatic happiness, although there was always an undercurrent running, especially from my side. She was prolific in her sex drives and had had over 20 partners by the time I met her.. I asked her after a couple of months if she could be faithful to me, and she said no, she wanted an open marriage. I agreed, and feel into the bottomless pit of self abuse, of sex addiction. She used to do one night stands, swinging, you name it. And I went along, never quiet happy, but always denying the feelings cos I didnt want to lose her. What a fool I was. Again a book called "duel.duty" explains that this is a familiar pattern, for some.

at the end of 2001 she found a 'friend' who was recently out of a marriage. She suggested the spare bedroom could be utilised by him, whilst he got himself on his feet. well.........muggins here said, OK, but only if she promised that if I didnt like it he would move out. What a schmuck!!. for a year I lived with this situation, whilst she happily bedhopped. and despite 4 or 5 arguments he didnt move out. Then finally he did, and three weeks later, after telling me her love for me, was not in question, she turned me out of the bedroom. I stayed sleeping downstairs for another six weeks, begging her to make it ok, and to take me back. That is how strong some of my issues from the deep past were. No one can ever tell me, about the strength of the ego, I know it only to well.

After six weeks I finally moved out, 1 Oct 2001, and she moved her guy in. I lost it then, nearly commiting suicide three times, and choosing deep depression as my escape. There are no accidents though, and as all this was happening I had met a clinical Pyschologist, who was also a course teacher/student. He gave me first Anthony De Mello's book awareness, and then later, ACIM. it was a combination of both that brought me to my knees, and that was when I had the vision.

Now through the course and many other relevant Pyschology books like the two mentioned above I can see, that from the start, I felt abandoned, and when I turned to someone who I thought was there to help, just got more abused, this formed my walls, of kicking fighting and biting everyone. I have lost touch with both sisters, and all parents are dead now, as is every other member of my family that I knew about. I still dont know where mum is buried cos she became persona non grata, a forbidden subject..so I know nothing of her. Luckily I did not become homosexual, or commit any abuse on my own two beautiful boys, or my step kids, I am not an alcoholic and I think I do a worth while job. I am 50, fit, mentally getting better, and single. I have no absolute need for a relationship, but wont shut off from one either. I also found the course helped me so much, I quickly got off all medications, and dont need anyhting now, other than the peace of God.

Can one get any worse, than seeing....really seeing their entire life as a failure? I am not sure, but when I did, I also knew none of it was my fault, and there was no one to blame, not even my ex. A child of two does not understand about ming vases, and in essence she is as lost as I was, and still continuing. I bless her now, and wish her all the happiness she can find, and I mean it. There are issues still to do with property settlement, but I really dont care.

For me, the last year has been the first, where I have allowed that which I denied for so many years to come out, and to acknowledge that there is a God, and he does love me. *crying now* shit. sorry. When I see others argue now, it pains me, when I see partnerships where there is obvious ego, I see my self as I was. I don't yet know how to handle another relationship, and that does worry me, cos I think if I have to experience this "life" it would be nice to be with another on the same path. But I wont abdicate my sovereignty back to the ego.....I will never look outside again for my completion..I am complete, perfect, and one with my (our) creator.

So to anyone that is anywhere on their path, at any time, I know you can choose to really open you eyes, and look back. Not with guilt, not with blame, and definatly not with shame, just look back..... see the errors, throw them away totally, and start as the new born babe. It has to be a better way....the way of rebirth with Jesus. Nothing of what we thought we were is worth keeping, nothing! there is a better us, waiting inside always.

Thanks if you managed to reads this far. Jennie, you gave me an opportunity to pour my heart out, and have helped me heal. I hope that somewhere in here, there is something that will help anyone else, that reads it. My story is just one of billions, nothing special, sometimes all to familiar.... I hope it does some good somewhere.

Namaste Jennie.

Douglas.

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