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Random quote: Divine Love always has met, and always will meet, every human need. Mary Baker Eddy
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A process of releasing the past
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   General Discussion -> The Gathering Place (TGP)Message format
 

Posted 2003-01-25 6:36 PM (#556)
Subject: A process of releasing the past


Hi all,

I was just speaking to another beautiful one, and mentioned a post I had written in another forum, in regard to letting the past go, and growing in the light of Gods love, through being willing to open our closed minds. I decided to post it here too, as my feel that through sharing our experiences, no matter how personal, small or big, we may help another, who like me, often thinks..... "Oh, thats what I feel...wow" when I read others posts. so here goes. PS get some coffee!!! (I am never short, it seems my want to be verbose, LOL)

As I originally wrote it in response to various message threads in MDC

I have just finished catching up on messages, and as at other times 
I see a recurring theme... all of us from time to time, look back to 
our pasts, and can see things about ourselves we dont like, or that 
hold us back. All of us talk about letting them go, or seeing 
another way, and yet are still having difficulty. I thought I might 
share some stuff, about my thought process last year, when I crashed 
to my knees. (actually onto my Arse!)
 
A few of my course friends have said to me, that my growth has been 
spectacular, and in one year I have achieved what has taken them 
many. I don't know how true that is, but if that is what they see, 
then who am i to deny. if it is so, I am grateful because it is God 
that has been the inspiration in my heart. What follows is lurid in 
detail, I hope I dont shock you. 
 
However when I pondered the question as to why this may be, I 
realised that when I hit bottom, or hell, perhaps. I stopped and 
over a period of days, really reveiwed my life, and I was shocked!
 
I saw, very clearly, that not one part of my life had been a 
success, in terms of happines,joy, peace truth. In so being prepared 
to honestly evaluate that, I saw that whatever my thought process 
was to make my life decisions, it had been a miserable failure. I 
determined there and then, not just to look another way, not just to 
change the way I lived.......but first I had to be rid of the 
baggage.
 
As I did this, I seemed to enter another realm of vision. In my head 
and in actual pictures, I saw myself walking through the detritus of 
failure, and I saw why.....I had believed I walked alone.... a 
secure fortress against everyone, with an advisor with a warped 
sense of self... the ego. 
 
In that moment I saw myself standing in front of a mirror, and peice 
by peice I stripped away my flesh... I actually 'saw' my flesh as 
pink on the outside, and oozing putrid on the inside. This was and 
still is as I recall this, a palbably real vision in technicolour. I 
continued doing this until I was a skeleton.....and then i looked 
upon my bones. I went further...... I looked Deep INTO my bones, and 
saw them without substance. There was no healthy red bone marrow, 
the long bones were weak, and ready to crumble, the small bones were 
black and ancient ancient old. My head was sort of squewed off to 
one side, and when I looked deep inside my skull, there was no 
brain... but there was a small black shivering blob. It squeeked, 
and slithered, and I knew this was my faithful advisor, my ego...so 
strong, such power, this mean and vicious thing. 
 
The vision continued.... and I saw a rubbish bag in my hand,only I 
could not see the hand, but I knew it was mine, it contained all the 
flesh, all the rotten bones, and the squidgy mean, and vile mess 
called ego. I saw the bag raised and then I remember hearing a voice 
say "if you want to live, if you want to know yourself, you know 
what to do" The bag swung and left my hand and entered a burning 
white hot flame...and was gone. 
 
The vision passed, and I was again sitting at my table......I was 
quite literally shaking, and sweating and damn scared, I mean real 
scared. I thought I was mad.......real deep down Pschyco. 
 
I dont know how long I sat there, and then I realised that I had 
chosen to throw off ALL of my past...every thought, every 
preconception, every defence, every attack, every everything! 
 
in a flash I saw I was as the newborn baby, innocent and guiltless, 
a clean slate ready to begin again. I picked up the blue book and 
started reading..... and am still reading and living, and breathing 
and knowing God is real, is our father, and does love us. 
 
I have my bad moments, I have my doubts, I have my fears. But what I 
dont have now, is any reason to even for a millisecond, believe 
anything about my past or feel guilty in any way.
 
This is the first time I have shared this. It is hard to describe 
the process or even to think about it. But I think it has resulted 
in what people see as my growth. 
 
In other words, I think that in admitting that the past had not 
served me well, I became totally willing to shift 100%, and start 
again anew. 
 
I dont know if any of this makes sense to you, my friends and fellow 
students, perhaps the process is more one, of almost jumping out of 
your skin, and arriving when you land, naked and defenceless. 
 
In the last year, I have had so much joy and so much pain, and now 
in the solitude of my room, without a relationship of a romantic 
nature anywhere in sight, with two failed marriages and a million 
failed opportunities behind me, I am free, light, happy and with an 
inner joy, that a friend remarked two nights ago, animates me, and 
shines in my eyes. Tonight I have been blessed by the presence of 
God, in the form of four people who want to awaken, and tonight 
again, it is shown me, we are One, in the presence and of the 
presence of God.
 
So to all of us who doubt, who get frustrated and who are in pain, I 
say.... sit down, meditate, and look back to see if any of the past 
has done you any good. No one will have the same experience, as 
obviously we all have highly individualised experiences. But ask 
yourself if you want to keep even one tiny thing? or might it be 
better to take Gods duster, and wipe the slate clean. If we are 
courageous enough, the answer is easy. And God will NOT leave us all 
alone in the cold dark world, not even little Jeffrey under his 
blanket, who of course knows what we have forgotten.... that he is 
loved by the most important of all, the God within us.
 
Be at peace all, for we are together, in love, peace and joy. Your 
strength is my strength is Gods strength. He gives to us, as we give 
to him.
 
Namaste my dear dear friends.
Dougoz.

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