Posted 2020-01-04 9:11 PM (#233605 - in reply to #233592) Subject: what came up when I read your post
O'Neill - 2020-01-03 8:04 PM I just want to tell you that you've really let me down Jesus. Your unwillingness to help and heal me completely blows my mind. Find out what love is brother.
Hi there, what you've shared brings up some questions: What is the love that will heal us? And how do we access it? How do we allow the healing? What are the steps to take that love would guide us to do?
Your post reminds me of something that happened to me once. It was about 5 or 6 years ago. I was really sick with something that was life threatening. I had never had the experience of having an illness that people die of daily. I was laying in bed in distress, in pain, and in great despair over it. I wasn't getting better, I was getting worse. After days of this, at one point I heard my partner laughing in the other room, enjoying a television show. The contrast in our two experiences was so graphic in that moment. And it made me so angry!
My anger revealed that I had a belief that something, or someone could make me better. Like a child in a way, thinking mommy or daddy would make it better. When in fact, my partner was helpless to assist me. I thought of another couple I knew, she'd died of cancer, and he didn't want her to die, but he had watched her do just that. He was helpless. I thought of Jesus, and how I thought he'd heal me, magically, and this too seemed like some part of "wishing" something into being. Like a child would.
My anger got me out of bed, I was literally hopping mad, and I was saying to myself: "Jesus isn't coming". There was some part of me that was realizing it had to grow up, grow up even in "God", in the reality of what was being faced and it was up to me to take the responsibility for my well being, take something back I had tried in vain to give to others, to a parent, or a partner, or to a doctor...or a divine being (one other than me!) And it wasn't theirs to take. It was mine. I was the one that had to decide to live, and to be well. It was MINE TO DO. Because if it was working to farm out the job to others, I would have already gotten well. So I did that. I made a decision. My anger gave way to a kind of new relief, like at the gut level, I'd say. Essentially it was not to be a victim, that passive suffering that can overtake a child of God. Some would say it is the right use of will, to agree with what God is being as you.