Posted 2019-10-21 11:47 AM (#232557 - in reply to #232550) Subject: RE: Attention to Intention!
I've been going through a lot of discomfort on account of the Kitty activity here. There is about a handful of feral cats. One of our neighbors feeds them and they live under his house.
One snowy winter the other neighbor went south for a few month and asked me to feed his outdoor cat. I did. I also noticed that there were others that came and waited for their turn. Even though my neighbor had given me instructions to feed his cat every other day so that she would still hunt for herself, when I noticed that I was feeding a few other hungry cats, I opted to feed his daily to make sure that at least she would get something.
When my neighbor got back, I kept feeding the young one who I had often seen waiting her turn at a fair distance. Eventually we became friends and I am now allowed to pet the tip of her tail, most of the time.
In time she became pregnant and eventually she let me see her babies while I was on a walk. They were living in the neighbor's wood shed. She sat there close to the shed and didn't give any signal for the kittens, who were close to her, to hide. I went over gently in great amazement and wonder at these tiny little creatures and also at her trust and remembered all at once that this introduction to her babies came soon after my expressed desire to her for me to see them.
When the weather got much colder here, in the twenties, I worried about their ability to withstand it and asked her to bring them over here. She did. They huddled up on my chair in the shed on which I piled a woolen blanket over a discarded down pillow. They all slept on it.
The other day one of the kittens, now about 2 and half month old, got badly hurt. I went to the rescue as quickly as I could and after that we were able to separate fierce mama from the kid so as to pick it up and take it to the vet. In the end we had him put down anyway.
All of it has been rather traumatic for me and I haven't been able to suppress a desire to know why all this is on my plate. I really don't think I had/have any desire to save the world. What I have had desire for is to Know the Kingdom of Heaven so that there would be no need for age/deterioration and death. But "This (experience)" whatever it is, just doesn't give me any peace.
I have captured the remaining three kittens and the family is socializing them and then we will have them fixed and adopted out. I still feed and hang out with mama and I have plans to capture her and have her spayed.
With her babies missing she often comes yeouling to my door to tell me about it and maybe to see them because I had let her in a few times before so she'd know they were well, even though captive under laundry baskets. She didn't seem to mind that they were under laundry baskets and ate her food happily. The babies did mind though and cried up a storm. When the family helped out and took them, I was very relieved. I hear they let themselves be pet a little now.
I am still feeling overwhelmed with the need for congruence in my Being. I feel lousy in my dishonesty by having intentions to trap her and working toward making that transition as easy as possible for her, for both of us. In the meantime she strokes my legs and keeps me company, stays around longer than ever before and sometimes I get that it is her way of caring for me in my need for peace as much as I want to care for her during this transition of having no babies to lick and keep warm.
In other words, I have a whole lot of respect for the Kingdom of Heaven as I've seen it manifest through this young mama and her ability to communicate and to work with me in spite of her fears.
She has been a great mom, always going to look for whoever kitten stayed behind while they travel from my shed to the neighbor's wood pile and his food servings.
She always lets the kids get their fill of food while she stands by keeping watch. And though she has always been the first one to come to my door early morning as soon as I am awake, to eat, she eats only so much and then insists to be let out. In a few minutes she is back at my door with the kids. Or, as was in the beginning before they all came in, she wouldn't continue eating until I got it that I needed to go take the kids some food. She has been so intuitive, persistent and patient in communicating with me. She also has a great tail which swishes and twitches to' the kids great delight.
So in overall, I guess it is a happy story and yet, I feel so much in need of comfort... I just don't get it. So this is what happened next.
Raj's post about "Attention to Intention" has been helpful for me to keep focused on why I am being 'deceitful'. The intention is clear: kittens in the wild have a hard life. I had tried to override this feeling of need for their care so many times before, but when the one little guy who was the gentlest, got hurt so badly, it made me take action. And still, I don't feel OK.
I've been taking as much time as possible to have quiet time and listen, learn and do. Today during that time I heard the presence of an eagle and then I remembered that in early spring it can be another whole 'wildlife' scene here when sometimes hungry eagles intend to eat baby ducks and geese and mothers go frantic in their ways to keep their young safe. Or when one looks out on the creek one day and sees that a large portion of it has been feathered.
So it doesn't look like the place, the Kingdom where the lion and the lamb lay down together. And my understanding just doesn't go anywhere, just isn't working, except maybe in the following.
After the quiet this morning when I heard the eagle, I also remembered that in a dream, a while back, I had seen mom, still limping a little but now able to walk quite freely, was making her way with great determination to her destination. As far as I know, that destination, according to what she had shared while still with us, was to be with her mother and sister (both deceased). When the memory of that dream came to mind, for a moment I felt a sense of relief in realizing that mom had not died accidentally because we didn't know how to do any better for her or she for herself.
This brings to mind what I read recently here, that one's Being has infinite resources for one's fulfillment.
So I am very grateful for things which have been shared here and for being able to get moments of 'aha' that relieve this sense of being an existence that seems to continue to struggle for a glimmer of light in the dark of ignorance.
So to me it feels urgent to let myself be led and ministered to with wisdom and 'ahas", and lots of love . If we all had the conviction that so much more is possible than the rigidness of our beliefs allows for, Mom, nor anyone, would have to die in order to continue with what holds meaning for each one of us.
I can see how the above makes sense, though I'd like to feel comforted by knowing the "how to" and I am glad that sharing of this here has already been helpful to me. I'm thinking that the "how to" is to be had through patiently dancing the two step, and simply recognizing the fears and uncertainties, the ugly imaginings which come up, as the little ego sense that would like to know it all in order to be in charge while it simply doesn't know the "how to" and then goes into an anxiety tantrum.